Sometimes in life there are times when you need to step back and only focus on the things you need to do to get you through the day. This has been me for the past month and I can honestly say that I think I am coming out of the dark place that I have been in. For various reasons medically, emotionally and family wise. Whilst these things may not be sorted I now have the tools and preparation in place to deal with them, I will deal with them and they will be conquered. Clearly my laptop blowing up was a blessing in disguise and I have to thank my boss for allowing me to use the work laptop to be able to blog again.
On top of my health and the health of others around me my poor little Gusgus will not be here for much longer. Gus, who turns 3 next month - yes 3! sadly has a cancerous tumour on his neck and there is nothing that can be done. He's deteriorated from a young looking hamster to a grumpy old man very quickly and I am very surprised he is still here. I am constantly monitoring him and giving plenty of treats, I've prepared myself to make the very difficult decision should I need too.
When times get hard you really see people for their true colours, whether they flee from the difficulties or they step up and do things beyond any expectations you ever had of them. In the past month I have experienced both and whilst the first is horrible, the latter is something that I will remember forever. My close friends have been a massive support too, whether that's listening to my woe's in work, telling me to call anytime of day or night and just being there in general. I can count my close friends on one hand, but they are diamonds each and everyone one of them. Of course my rock, Matthew, has been there for me every step of the way and to be honest I don't think I would have made the past month without him.
Christmas was a mixed experience. I have never been one to fully look forward to Christmas, there was always something to taint it over the years. 2013 was another year without my Bampi, sitting in a cold and wet cemetery is the only way I feel close to him now. But I do things in my own ways to try and get that magic back, mainly in the form of covering the flat in fairy lights and candles. One thing I have learnt about Christmas as an adult is you have to live it through the eyes of the children around you, even if they are now too old to believe. My cousins are rapidly ageing before my eyes, Chandler being completely absorbed by his new X-box and Shakira flying at me on Christmas morning stating that she had been bought a clinique lipstick - blogger in the making? The magic for me this year was feeling the excitement through my nieces who are 5 and 2. Having my nails painted in glitter, hiding in tents, playing walk-y talk-ies and being told I'm the favourite :), that's what made my Christmas.
I received the most thoughtful and quite honestly tear-jerking gifts this year, from everybody. From Matt's Dad and Rachel a complete Harry Potter box set, my books had become so tatty I needed an upgrade. The display box is so beautiful and will keep them in a love condition. A tripod (outfit posts at somepoint?!), makeup storage and the most amazing heated ear muffs. We were bought the biggest suitcases I've ever seen from Matt's Mum and Chris, seriously huge and from my Nanna I had a collection of my favourite presents to receive ever. Knitted socks, novelty socks (she gets better ones each year), dog PJs and a Minion Annual. My Nanna knows me so well. There are so many more from friends and family too.
Mr & Mrs Dolan (aka Leanne and her Hubby!) sent us our Christmas present via courier - fancy. Matt and I now have the perfect memory from their wedding day in the form of a framed photo. I love the photo and it will always remind me of how happy I was to be asked to be part of it. Plus, Matt looks really hot!
I have no idea where my blog will go over the next 12 months, it better go somewhere, I've bought a wireless remote, lighting and with my tripod I'm kinda motivated again. I'm ready to have something away from real life to focus on again.
I guess the moral of this story is, if you need help - then ask for it.
Don't be ashamed, brush it under the carpet or go on feeling like you can't cope.
Someone out there will be there to listen and offer help if you are ready to accept it.
Thank you everyone for just being there. Here's to 2014.
I'll be back properly in the next week.
I'll be back properly in the next week.